This ongoing series of texts are written as pieces of spoken word and are intended to be read outt loud in a puke-y way with their according voice intonations and shitty personal politics.
I2m this close to thinking I’m a bad person for using a plastic straw for even asking a straw because do I like sucking instead of putting my mouth around it and the only option was I guess plastic and the only option I guess is green green green this systemic ecological thinking, this, this toy thing these empty puzzle pieces with only the frames around it these small things these fake deeps and what about all our likes (on our photos and what if one day I need an abortion what if now I need like a binder what if my grocery list says more than my entire being, like these margins, like like pass pass on that like what you support and leave out what you don’t scroll scroll on what you deem unethical inappropriate small to your momentary underinfluence personal politics. sterile. likes position us and it2s what doesn’t get written that a writer mostly writes and like the photos on purpose to build a community to spread god’s message and in full deliberation don’t like it because you thought of not liking it deliberate is this the same as liking it maybe deliberately you don’t like and police people on the side because you put effort in the thought in not liking it so now they don’t even like themselves constantly because they put thought in it we put thought in it together always we put thought in the wrong thing endlessly scroll scroll scroll pass pass press as if your nonexistent like will do any change around here on our feeds, feed feed the world now the word is the feed the world that’s the feeling and we’re not even fed properly but feuded into dreaming and I hate it out there. and hate is a strong word and I hate it out there. hate is a strong world out there in the world of likes please please like your boyfriend’s childhood photo and his parent’s plants but purposefully don’t like your past boyfriend’s current face with goggles on because he is making. a point. he makes you not want to like this phase so open and read a message so that its seen not seen for as long as you feel like it. like again. these stupid little acts of pseudosocial kindness violence and playpretend abuse and boundary drawing nonsense. I never know where <ı stand and I hate these moments where I think I have to know where I stand and hate is a strong word and I hate the moments that expose my inconsistencies and confusions and all other human conditions that don’t pass through fake thick walls here western walls all over because you see I have an actual thick skin the way they never have here you see that’s what I’ve been playing, being, pushed into, to grow one but you did not and I can comfort you if you get on your knees to be in places I didn’t want with people who were so sucking on each other I would bleed hard so you see I don’t want to do the things I don’t want to do anymore but if not given any other choice I’ll do them gladly happily with joy with purpose miamor. I ask you to do it for me I ask you to do it with me like solitude if no other choice so solitude so solitude it is. so you see because I have you with me now bring me now a choice, a bike and a car, and my thick skin is thinning out and for that I need my face to be straight I need my face to be unreadable I need you to be here I need my face to be libidinal I need not be myself I need not be one but two and celebrate everyday how lost I am how inconsistent how, how many times can you make me come, leave me no other choice and I’ll grow my thick skin back out and then you won’t hear from me ever again and I may have gone to the East because where else indeed and not that I care what do you think about it: do you read how much fear do you read how much care: under my arms down my jawline up my mouth: how many likes do you read can you count how you miss me and I know you’ve gone missing so like everyday I’m launching a search party.
give me here give me come here give me purpose lets spend hours days lives together and see out of that what comes and accept being hurt and avoid nothing but hard drugs, welcome anything but externally altered states of mind lets avoid nothing but ourselves under candle light lets alter our state of minds and cbd and lets agree that cbd is harmless and lets agree we can create wonders and lets agree we could harm each other because we’re humans because see how with each person I go into a different chemical reaction how each person alters my state of unconsciousness and maybe that’s why I’m scared all the time that’s why I’m drawn to people and not to drugs per se, that’s why I’m drawn to certain books to certain writers to certain vowels and not others per se, see how I’m avoiding politics because I come from the middle of it see how scared I am to make a mistake say something wrong see how my words treat you wrong come see how cold I’ve grown. say if I were to dismiss your experience say if I were to see everything in its full picture say if I were to give you a point of departure say if I was a middle easterner but that’s on you if getting offended is your religion. I have secretly been a devoted muslim and that’s on you if say you’re getting offended by my rage or my white non white I’m confused middle class over facilitated underestimated still migrant spoiled privilege see how I actually don’t really talk politics but see all of it everything is still political even and mostly and starting from my own skin shield. I love İstanbul. I don’t see no nothing. I don’t see no nothing when I start plotting and I’m putting active effort in not going there where to draw myself out of it, the picture, the image, the poor poor image, the middle, this which is still an analysis so I’m still there always there back in the coulisse trying to protect myself from you from who from being anonymous so by not effective immediately going there I do and that’s the only place I go and all roads lead to Rome. I think one day I’d fill pages of revengeful rightful wise words of what my dad has been telling me for years all his lines all of it I’d remember because I’d need them one day and wear them on stage because then it would be the time because then they would fit somewhere OH god touch wood scratch your ass one more time for me god forbid that I don’t fall into a well and find myself not managing my own boundaries or finances someday. I’d kill myself if I turned to my dad to learn about boundaries in fact I was already dead dead convicted because of this but please god not again and dad dad I really learn from you from that time we cried in the elevator us two and I have drawn things from between our truth and that’s still a learning curvature it’s still and even and the biggest learning is that you accept you haven’t grown enough but just the right enough and that’s good enough or whatever goes whatever you want to tell yourself. that’s how things roll. when you use their weapon against them when you use their tool with them when things only come after that and when you internalize the truth for the self. and this is not a war zeynep not everything has to be a conflict because you come from a conflict zone not everyone has to be a victim not always there has to be a winner and sometimes there only needs to be a writer sometimes there only needs to be a processor and that’s that that’s what I am. No one but a data processor.
hey there hey you you I see from a distance and will not call by the name but with weird distanced words of the english language until I learn how to pronounce all your constellation of letters of layers until I will make sense of it hey hey there you you I want to draw in and get to know not sure if you’re ready for what’s coming let’s see this time if I’ll do it differently I’ll do anything to seduce you that which is eventually to seduce myself make me appeal to me and may appear as a warm shelter cold blooded I’m a monster but you’ll get to see that further down the line further down quite sooner for yourself I’m edging that’s what I’m delaying a space we have space you had a space I had many non personal distorted spaces and you probably have a big personal space that’s what I always assume and I had a big personal slightly lacking but always present killing me deadly speaking loudly melancholic resting bitch space. now I ask of you to slowly give up that space and hand it over to me drop the gun from your hand and look at me lock me your eyes and I’m here. Give me your space I don’t want to have to invade it myself that would be too bad good boy could you please give it to me I AM willing to give mine up a part of it never the whole I wouldn’t ask of that please do be stay yourself and give me that space in your hand. I suck at being present maybe I should tell you that I’m trying I AM trying with so many things can I start holding you in my hands let me and my beautiful face do that for you. for me. I suck at loving I suck at being a lover but you’ll see that makes me the best lover out there this is please take that space did I scare you already oohh crap ooh not not yet okay I’ll just lay here in my new skin all excited for some fake silence and I suck at so many things but not really I carry a lot of wisdom honey and you’ll mine that out of me and I’m ready for that oOoh I’m spilling I can’t hold it I2ll say it its all in my hands and oh they’re falling oh shit I’m intense now wow I can’t take anything back can I. new. you. see me please don’t make any decisions on your own back come look at me again and again come let me take a look at you and then I’ll convince you have to stay intact we start fast fast fast please don’t say that love has no time for this is how I do things is this how I do things is this how I do this I go right in this is my story as hold as human history my history I’m not a monster may I ask you to give me some space to give me that space that half space you can keep the rest until you don’t with consent and boom wee clash collapse I cut I turn my back I kill I crash for the time being I could should must learn to hold at least half of my space that space myspace ohh it’s easy it’s easy is easy s day I’d usually be two too crowded too careful and too calculated in my head OH there shit I maybe can be me one me and you want that of me so I can do that I shall do that I2ll hold space for myself reconsider my skin my kin may sinful masteries and keep me one again I need to stay intact so we all know what to do with this and I’m already scared to do this to hurt hurt kiss because you weren’t there but there was a chapter before this and ı was a monster I talk past tense concerned about the narrative I leave this here go right in and skip steps wait for you to react in the meantime I’ll stay intact I be sure of myself be one in my head let you understand you have your space knock knock who’s there wait for it.
curiosity. let’s do this can we do this I have this one question and that’s all we’re all eager around here thirsty for love thirsty for intimacy kids we kids hey kid that’s you now that’s your name I want to touch I need to touch you not to touch you but to feel you because I digress with words I don’t need you though I just need your thoughts just to get to know you in one go wait no not even that but for you to get to know me that’s what I’m craving I2m craving to escape from sorrow from within with knowing there’s the end an end the death and so falling in love and even making myself fall into that those who is the only way ı found to be putting me in a forever with no end so that’s that and that’s good that’s good for once that I have space I I’m making space for all of us I’m tiptoeing around his meandering I’m meaning but not saying I’m seducing forever flirting I know this will end but choose to not actively think about it so that’s the only way I can sit on your couch your lap and keep lighting cigarettes keep talking we should talk we should r.e.a.l.l.y. talk we should real talk we really shouldn’t talk SHOOT there’s toOo much in the room and who’s going to address the crazy elephant in the room that this chapter the mid chapter is a bit blurry not by itself but now that I know how the next one looks like ends like feels like now that the last one has been lived but not written yet because I only have one hand one pen one notebook one too many times I can use at the same time only one of each at the same time I’m one I’m one with you I’m one with myself so thank you thank you for the space thank you for the words thank you for the spit let’s listen to some music. sounds shall save us. sounds we make. not this one though are we going too fast noo stop it don’t go there stay here stay in the new chapter stay in the new realm for new rules and the new dooms a new light how light changes us how light so light oh and wait sometimes heavy if the muscles are not activated. I’m already sad but that2s alright. I tend to do this do that we shouldn’t have have talked it’s spilling slipping I’ll let the leakage happen contain myself and pray for the best I’m curious and you are a fun kid now it’s out of my hands I’ve been too hurt last time I’ve been too tense past time I’m doing my best saying hearing accepting lying no at least at last what do you even mean with that. if I leave you alone will you be too much in your head there are things I have never been asked there are things I can’t even promise to myself.
I’m in too much pain tooo much pain I wish I had another word for it I wish I did not deconstruct the world this way it’s everyday and every other day through the other and with not what I am but will be yet get me out of here get me out of my head ve bazen yer yarılsa da içine girsem.
tangled up in a gay boy loving lesbian performing straight queer passing state. tangled up in a she left you for her as he leaves me for him no wait he leaves me for her very straightforward implicit wait libido gay body police fuck queer theory kind of way. tangled up in an insufficient names unjust words concealing real experiences body fluids unmuted pants except for the bumps and the lumps and hard juicy lucky genitals fake breasts touch me dread body body gay threat fuck your ideology please please fuck me kind of way.
hence dear hence I am here with a different way in any different way so gay I can only watch lesbian porn knowing that doesn’t make me a woman yet I want to be fucked deep and wet fingers also work and buttholes and blackholes I’d fuck you anywhere somewhere kind of way and a kind gay is just a kind gay a girl told me I looked gorgeous the other day and made me aware I was a girl too blue blue lonely too blue ı wanted to fuck her too everywhere I look my libido everywhere I go there is this sorrow get this breast off of me a knife a blade anything milking shrinking boobs barely serve to anything let me catch my breath let me grab your ass your torso and torso as a threat dread dragging not so drag grab a leg that’s neutral mutual to be called by your vulva ı hate no need to be so scared so suck suck suck instead and dreading pain moan moan moan loan me your breasts I’m not wearing the dress touch my belly that’s somewhat unnamed and I shouldn’t be explaining myself to these people and fuck your queer theory ivory tower false melody I just want to come on these sheets and sleep together in a bed.
I have spent too long on being a good girl and I have spent too long on being a bad girl I mean I tried because raised as a muslim you can’t be that bad a girl right?so now I’m going to try being a bad boy and if not if i fail to do so I’ll just be a boy a regular boy and fall in love with my lover’s ex girlfriend and take her too as a fool and not tell her the truth because girls don’t deserve that, take me for a sec, a girl among the boys called a slut from nine years old, I could go to the bathroom alone unlike other girls and so I wondered maybe I belong with football, no one gave me the Truth but instead some weird wisdom and here I am trying tofiguree out what to do with my portion and my conclusion is to be a boy given I already have it it within me and thanks to all the boys who made me see it. the truth. I’m on a mission I’m on amission.
The most useful torch I guess is the one that is willing to fall of your hand or to go off batteries once it has taken you down the dark well and there you become a light warrior a dark warrior down there rule number one don’t take it personal forget to remember and forget to freedom I say confront to remember and comfort to real you. detect the past in its being dysfunctional walk to roads walk to homes walk for loss and for freedom. of choice. of whom of a course of yours of course. exchange as libidinal remembering as ephemeral and river as unstoppable.
your honor thank you for this honor and forgive me father for you see what you see is the only thing you see to be real because a light heart burdens even heavier so forgive forget as the light warrior and pedal pedal down these streets please get me out of here. this graveyard this tombstone this ghosttown. people have disappeared. and I see them now. ı see why. I seee mine. I seek high. I can see in the dark when I have the right gear. Now I don’t talk the walk but I walk the talk. you, my love, you see this is a game of the memory cards flip me around I know damn well you’ve gotten hard and you know I am not the least bit dry and so I save you your spit I do myself the honor I get on my knees I just know what this is so don’t you dare send me a pic of your dick I need to see it with my bare eyes don’t get near my feet I first need to hear your damn lies I need to put you in your graveyard because these words never came out of your real mouth.
so I stop. I am a writer being asked not to plot. and I can’t so these texts one after the other I drop. it saves me you know, I’d said, and you understood.
YOu often need three things to make coffee: coffee, a filter and a machine. and I often wish to have a conversation where I did not need any of the threee. It had been a while since I had seen a hickey, not in the mirror not on another body I used to walk with bruises like carrying olympic medals around me scarrings on my skin memories of the sin and I used to get on my knees to be given golden statues with my name on it I used to oorgasm so many times until it lost its purchasing power until the currency became avoiding until I hit some castration. minus the anxiety. I was never diagnosed with anything but felt always sick. It was suuper sick to see my therapist involuntarily reacting to hear you guys were dating and my tongue still deep throating down your ears I don’t know if you can still hear me and I said this before and I’ll say it again, they’re having a relationship over my dead body.
So there I am thinking I hate when I have to move my body to light a cigarette. This damn wind that demands every time from me a different positioning. Believe me I would if I could go back to my own country. Carcinogenic. carcinogenic threat and nicotine doesn’t let you age it doesn’t let you leave the party it lets you stay the same exact age when you first started smoking. now that’s sweet. Ninety nine year old woman who lived with always a lighter in her hand and and an ashtray balanced on her belly. This is all I have to say about maintaining a fantastic morale over western medicine.
Yooou want to be sober for this. You have to be smoking for this. You have to be smoking hot for this and our genital wetness to put out the flames of our projections. Place your fingers. not one but two. in me. on three. you want to be genuine like this.
It took seven boys and seven years and not linear in time not successive but altogether to take my boobs away when they even lacked the capacity to undo a bra fastening. I was being pick-me-up-submissive. and then it took just one boy to suck them neatly and hand them back over to me. he sucked the soul out of me. regaining the sensation around my nipples coincided with my regaining recognition of the family yet I wake up in sweat from my sleep because in my dream Ive been breastfeeding. I know I would love it and that’s why I hate it that’s why I can maintain eye contact with anyone but not a baby. I can only reproduce if I am promised he the child will suffer less and be a good girl like me. You can come inside me if you promise to teach the child why one shouldn’t cut their own body. I want a mosque to claim as my own territory. So blue turns green sober turns clean have you ever seen the hideous islamic turquoise?
Anyways my blue turns green and only I know what this means secrecy its my new thing if only also this did not end up in a writing, shit. Is it the same thing we address when we talk about the implicit? I know I keep on writing because I constantly fail in so doing. All writers unite everyone get down on your knees come on I’ll start the prayer and where has my book gone, open your hands and turn heads toward god, footnote: something reminiscent only of a concept of the Quran.
“To formulate and express the contents of this reduced awareness, man has invented and endlessly elaborated those symbol systems and implicit philosophies which we call languages. Every individual is at once the beneficiary and the victim of the linguistic tradition into which he or she has been born - the beneficiary inasmuch language gives access to the accumulated records of other people’s experience, the victim in so far as it confirms him in the belief that reduced awareness and as it bedevils his sense of reality, so that he is all too apt to take his concepts for data, his words for actual things.”
(Aldous Huxley, Doors of Perception)